Fulfilling a promise originally made during his first term, Donald Trump declassifed a massive number of files related to the investigation into John F. Kennedy’s 1963 assassination. So far at least, the files don’t appear to contain any new information or shocking revelations about the event, but that wasn’t what concerned Jimmy Kimmel during his Tuesday night monologue.
“After 60 years of books and movies and deep investigations, today, today was like Christmas morning for conspiracy theorists. Unfortunately, Santa took forever to come down the chimney,” Kimmel explained. “All day we waited! Poor Oliver Stone had to endure a twelve-hour erection today. I guess they were trying to build anticipation, or distract us from the 200 horrible things they did today.”
“Or maybe, I don’t know, they had to let the documents dry after fishing them out of Trump’s toilet? I don’t know,” Kimmel said. “What I do know is they just finally came out at like 7:30. There are 80,000 pages of files, just to put that into perspective, that’s almost 20 times longer than the entire Harry Potter book series. Okay?”
“In other words, it’s gonna take me forever to read this to my kids tonight,” the ABC host added.
Kimmel also talked about Trump’s recent antics at the Kennedy Center, as well as the successful return to earth of two astronauts who were stranded at the International Space Station for more than 8 months.
“You know those astronauts who’ve been stuck at on the International Space Station since June? They finally got back to earth today,” Kimmel said. “Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore were only supposed to be on the space station for a week, that turned into more than 9 months. Wait till they find out what’s been going on down here over. They might go back up”
“Trump, of course, took credit for the rescue mission,” Kimmel went on. “He says Joe Biden abandoned them, even though the rescue was planned by the Biden Administration in August. Is there anything else from last summer he’d like to take credit for? Those gold medals Simone Biles won? She couldn’t done that without him.”
“Still, it is nice to see Trump bring something down other than the stock market for a change,” Kimmel quipped. “Our co-President, Elon Musk sent a SpaceX vehicle to bring the astronauts back. And when they landed, he fired them immediately upon landing.”
There’s more, and you can watch the whole monologue below now:
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